Life didn't come with directions

I didn't know i was suppose to tell my children what a "birthday" was, until julia, on her 7th birthday, said..and i quote "hey mom, did you know i celebrate my birthday on the day i was born?" the sad thing is she's not blonde...Thats when i KNEW life DIDNT come with directions.

When i was in labor for the first time, i swore the doctors were lying to me, after being told i needed a C Section, i asked if it can come out my throat instead of my stomach...at that point my medication was increased.

Ask your 17 year old daughter what a "test tube" baby is...we will get back to that later

What do you do when your 5 year old son locks you out of the house in nothing but your pajamas at 7 AM? and then the whole police department shows up bribing him with dollar bills to unlock the door...he should have waited for the tens...unfortunetly they had to bust the door down.

Do a backround check on your teenage babysitter...make sure her boyfriend can't jump the back fence as your coming in the front door and your neighbor thinks he's a robber and called the police...how damn confusing was that...
The hell with terrible 2's start saving your valium perscriptions for when  they turn 18. and by the way..each mom should come with a lifetime prescriptiopn for them.

I swore my kids would never do what i did...NEVER say NEVER....and always keep that thought close by

If you have a flower trelles attached to your home. please remove before your child turns 4 and uses your roof as a playground...

How would you like to..not once but twice take the dog to the groomers because he was painted the same color as the house by your 5 year old son

Don't ever leave the hose running next to a 5 year old boy at your daycare center..he WILL put the hose inside the teachers car and let it run till its pouring out the doors..Oh and the cowboy boots he kicked the same daycare director in the shins each time they walked by him..I'm surprised they didn't charge me double....Or did they?

Or when your 16 year old daughter starts driving and comes to her first double lane stop sign..and as she pulls up in the LEFT lane and asks, "if the stop sign is not next to my lane do is still have to stop?" and mom says.. ABSOLUTELY! as i almost pissed my pants.

Or if your son tells the new neighbors you have no food, and you wake up to boxes of cereal on your front porch (because he didn't like the kind mom bought)...it makes you wanna move..far away

and you KNOW its time to move when the local police call you weekly and ask if all is okay...lol

How do you punish a 7 year old girl to her room when she can have a conversation with any doll or stuffed animal and be totally content for hours.

Do not buy any child under the age of 10, a hamster, mouse, rat or hermit crab  or any thing that moves for that matter....or you'll end up needing a taxidermist.


TO BE CONTINUED